The Low Down On Dreadlocks
By: Nanci Maynard aka
The Klingon Princess aka Tyr's Wife
I've been contemplating doing this for a while. After all, I've had dreadlocks for going on ten years now. I first had my dreadlocks done on July 4, 2001.
I live in New York City and I saw a small shop advertised in my neighborhood newspaper. This was convenient because it was within walking distance from me. It was only about three blocks away from where I lived It took me all of ten minutes to get there. Surprisingly the shop was open on a major holiday.
The shop was a small one person operation, run by a lady named Ajasa Olemajoke.
Why did I decide to get dreadlocks? It was NOT because I'd become too lazy to comb my hair! The reason was I suffer from severe migraines and I COULD NOT comb my hair without inflicting severe pain on myself just from combing my hair.
I was tired of wearing it very short, which I did for many years. Because of this I was often mistaken for a boy or a young man or gay. Also my ultra traditionalist West Indian Mom kept getting on my case to “grow and do something with my hair”!
To my Mom doing something with my hair meant either "straightening it or having it permed". Ugh!!
Well, I couldn't stand for my hair to be braided, because some folks braided it too damned tight! And I was “tender headed", which means I had a very sensitive scalp, and it was even worse because of the migraines. So, dreadlocks were the next option.
When I went to her shop, I'd expected Ajasa to cut my hair down to nubs and start “baby locks”. That's what happened to several of my friends who had gotten locks. I had medium length hair, but, she refused to cut it. She washed and proceeded to dread my hair by using beeswax and a rat tailed comb. Remember those?
From start to end when she washed, conditioned, twisted, and sat me [under] the hood dryer, it took about two hours for Ajasa to complete the process. And no, it did not hurt.
Before I left, I was cautioned not to let my hair get wet or wash it, until the next time we met, six weeks later.
At first, like when I first started wearing contacts, no one recognized me. If I had a very poor self image, I would've been insulted, but I wasn't.
Of course, I got the questions, like “Why'd you do THAT to your hair? Why didn't you get braids? You have such a nice quality hair, why would you do THAT to it? Why didn't you do the perm?”
To answer the last question, I had a very bad experience with the perm. Years ago, I was talked into having my hair permed one day, went home, woke up the next day and all of my hair was on the pillow! You can best believe, NO MORE PERMS FOR ME!
The ultimate question was: “Can you take them out?”. I have yet to find a diplomatic way to say “No, you have to cut them all off, and start growing your hair all over again.” When I say that, most folks wince and rock back like I've given them a left hook. . . . .
After having my hair “locked” up, I went back to Ajasa's about six times. About once a month, then I struck out on my own. It was costing me way too much money to have my hair done.
Each time I went to see her, it would cost me $100.00. Plus, I usually gave her a twenty dollar tip. I quickly learned how to wash and twist my own locks and I've been doing it ever since.
Now, I have my own established methods. First, I buy my shampoo and conditioner on sale for around a dollar a bottle, sometimes less if I catch a really hot sale. I usually buy White Rain or VO5. Why? Because it usually takes an entire 15oz bottle to properly wash my mane! Conditioner, I use about a half to three quarters of a bottle each time. So, you can see where just buying shampoo can cost me a good piece of money if I wasn't thrifty. Okay. . . .cheap . . . . . LOL!
After trying several brands of beeswax, I finally settled on ”Murray's“ pure and natural Australian Beeswax, to twist and hold my locks. I also use “Nature's Blessings” Hair Pomade to oil my scalp on a regular basis. We “sisters” must oil our scalp, ya know. . . . Dreads do not look good with dandruff!
Before I sleep I put my hair up in a bun and tie it up in a black stretchy cloth, ( bigger than a "doo rag" ) in order to keep my locks neat and free from lint.
Twisting dreadlocks is a simple process. While they are wet ( I've found that dreads lock best if twisted when wet - yes, I've tried it dry - don't work), you dab some beeswax on the unlocked section of each lock closest to the scalp, and twist counterclockwise. You do this for each and every lock on your head ( if you have one hundred, then you do it one hundred times, etc ), twisting them all in the SAME DIRECTION! This is where the tediousness comes in.
This is also where I don't blame men for abruptly cutting their locks off and opting for either short hair, or braids. In my personal opinion ( I know, who be me? ), a black man looks so very sexy with dreadlocks when they are well-kept!. But, the key words are WELL KEPT! When they start looking like crap, I second the emotion to cut them off, YESTERDAY!
The one well-known male who had dreadlocks and looked drop dead stunning and scrumptious in them was "Keith Hamilton Cobb"! Who dat? He played Tyr Anasazi, on “Andromeda”. Like I tell everyone. Go to Photo Bucket or Google him! Careful, your eyes may fall out!
Back to the subject at hand . . . . . .
Since I've had my hair locked, I've personally cut my hair a total of five times. Having your hair dreadlocks really make one's hair grow like crazy. Why? Because you're not ripping your hair out with a comb or brush, and you're not burning it out with harsh and caustic chemicals.
I usually cut it down from waist length, to shoulder length. I hate doing that, because I feel like I'm cutting off a piece of myself. And I am. Sometimes I cry and suffer intense remorse after doing it. I know, what a wuss am I.
I cut it due to three reasons: 1) It's summer time and my dreadlocks get very hot and very heavy. This is especially for me because I am very physically active. I like to work out and run and I sweat like crazy. 2) Sweaty hair, tends to smell and not too pleasant. My personal theory: If I can smell it, others can too. Which means more washing and maintenance more often. 3) It gets long enough for me to sit on. Now, that is the ultimate last straw!
It's bad enough that when I get on a bus, a baby would reach out and give my locks a good yank! Yep! I've had that happen! I've also had adults do that too! I guess they wanted to know if my hair was real. But, that hurts!
To me, it is a big responsibility to have dreadlocks. I make sure I take care of my locks on a regular basis. Since I don't have the money to go to a shop, I do everything myself. I wash, I towel, I twist, I blow dry or air dry if the weather is warm.
I consider taking care of my hair, my “me” time. I twist my locks while listening to music or the radio. It is relaxing and stress relieving. Usually after I finish twisting my hair, I sleep like a baby.
I've recently reached an impasse where it comes to my “mane”. Since I'm getting older ( aren't we all? ), my hair is turning gray and white in many places. I'm seriously contemplating cutting it way down and re-growing my locks to let them grow back in gray.
Why? Because I don't like two-toned hair, and I REFUSE to “dye” it as some of my friends have suggested. They have not a clue how much hair dye it would take to accomplish that task, and how expensive it would be to maintain that farce. Plus, I no longer put harsh chemicals in my hair.
Whatever my decision is, I am definitely KEEPING my dreadlocks!
You can check out this wonderful lady's portfolio at: http://electladynancy@writing.com
True Power
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Birth Order Part 1
Most people will try anything to get an upper hand on life. Some resort to astrology to find out how they can better be in control of an unknowable day. Control has been the issue for man throughout history; trying to figure out how to live in a chaotic world. Man perfected the invention of gods that could be coaxed by spells and rituals into doing favorable deeds for him, making him feel more secure and in control. To this unobtainable goal of gaining control of life comes one more tool: understanding one's birth order. I happen to be the "baby" of the family and find the attributes given to "babies" of the family suit me perfectly. I want to share what the scientist have to say about the first born, middle, and baby child of families in three installments.
OLDEST CHILD:
The two factors that owe personality traits to first-born children are: Mom and Dad.
Brand new parents tend to be overprotective, anxious, tentative, and inconsistent on one side and strict in discipline, demanding, always pushing and encouraging more and better performance on the other side. The "first" child is the guinea pig as Mom and Dad try to learn the fine art of parenting.
For the first-born, life is real and life is earnest. He or she is not for surprises, they prefer to know what's happening and when it is going to happen.
They tend to get more attention and notoriety than any other sibling. Anything a first-born child does is a big deal as far as Mom and Dad and other members of the family are concerned. A common characteristic of a first-born child person is his confidence in being taken seriously by those around him. They are known for their strong powers of concentration, tolerance, and patience, and being organized and conscientious. The list also includes:
perfectionistic
reliable
list makers
critical
serious
schalarly
goal oriented
achiever
self-sacrificing
people pleasers
conservative
supporters of law and order
believer in authority and ritual
legalistic
loyal
self reliant
TIPS FOR MAKING BIRTH ORDER WORK FOR FIRST-BORNS
1. Take smaller bites of life. Do not get involved in too many activities at once. Leave time for yourself.
2. Work on saying no. Know your limits. You can't do everything and please everyone.
3. Remember, your parents may have had higher expectations for you than other siblings. It's fine to do a little less and enjoy life a little more.
4. You are know to ask alot of wuestions and want all the details, this is fine, don't apologize for this trait.
5. You are a cautious, careful person. Don't let people pressure you into jumping into when you would prefer to take your time to make a decision.
6. If you are the serious type, try to develop a sense of humor.
7. Never apologize for being conscientious and overorganized.
Being the mother of a typical first-born is an endeavor in patience. She must always "know" everything before she "does" anything. But her need for control and perfection will serve her well as she enters her career.
To all of the first-born children whose parents tied all of their hopes and dreams in, we are sorry for using you as the bench mark for whether or not we were good parents. But, if we failed with the first child, no one could have convinced us that we would have done better with the rest of the children. Parents have a strong need to "get it right" and we do not get practice children. The positive of this parenting experiment is the fact that the first born have leadership skills that can take them a long way in life. Having high expectations are good but should be framed within healthy obtainable goals. Hopefully, parents don't dream the impossiblble dream for their kids, but give them the encouragement to dream for themselves.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Mende Tribe of Sierra Leone
The Mende people was one ethnic group out of ten brought to the America's during the years of slave trade. Regional warfare throughout the 19th century led to the capture and sale of many Mende speakers. This proud and strong group of people are most famous for their fight for freedom and overthrow of the slave ship Amistad in 1939.
The leader of the rebellion was a man named Sengbe Pieh, a role played by Kimora Simmon's new husband, Djimon Hounsou, a native of Benin, Africa. It would be wrong to assume that once the African left the safety of his homeland, that all cultural practices were relinquished. Even though the slave assimulated to his surroundings, some element of his culture had to be practiced in the privacy of his home. The old addage: "You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl," rings true no matter which way it is said. Here is a look at some of the rituals and engrained philosophies of life practiced by the Mende people. Try to see if any threads of this culture is still present in the African American community today, especially in the South.
One of the greatest sins a Mende man can commit is to give away the secrets of their tribe. The Poro society is the male equivalent to the Sande society. When inducted into this society, Mende boys are initiated into manhood. Many of their rituals parallel those of the Sande society.
In the black, male, community today in America, The Masons are the secret society that captures the male's imagination. There is much regard for the man who is a Mason. Men tend to have more secret societies with secret handshakes and codes.
The Poro prepares men for leadership in the community, so they might attain wisdom, accept responsibility, and gain power. It begins with the child's grade of discovery, followed by extensive training and service. During the seven-year initiation period, the young men converse with each other using a secret language and passwords, known only to other Poro members. The member always knows and understands what is being said. This is part of the mystery of this secret society.
At the beginning, young men aged 20 are called into the society and are trained by the group above them, along with a few elders. There is much work to be done during the initiation process. Dancing the masks is part of this work, but not the most important part. Only through work does the dance of the mask become meaningful.
Can you imagine the sense of loss the new male slave must have felt in the new world unable to go through the rituals and teachings of manhood? Never being able to be pronounced a man by peers had to have been heartwrenching.
All Mende women when they reach puberty begin the initiation process into the Sande society. The goals of this secret society are to teach young Mende women the responsibilities of adulthood. The girls are taught to be hard working and modest in their behavior, especially towards their elders. Sande influences every aspect of a Mende woman's life; it is present before birth and still present after.
Sande is the guardian of women; their protector and guide through life. It is Sande that grants a woman with an identity and a personality. The Sande society is concerned with defining what it is to be human and of discovering the ways of promoting love, justice, and harmony. It is a moral philosophy that focuses on the perpetual refinement of the individual. Sande leaders serve as models to women in the community. They exemplify the highest of Mende ideals, and they have the duty of enforcing positive social relationships and of removing any harm that might come to women in their community. "This is Sande; women together in their womanhood, in a free exchange of words and actions among sisters. Where ever two or three women are gathered together, there is the spirit of Sande."
Sande groups conduct masked performances that embody the Sande guardian spirit, who is associated with water and rivers. Descriptions of the society and its masquerade events have been made by visitors since the seventeenth century.
A woman's hair is a sign of femininity. Both thickness and length are elements that are admired by the Mende. Thickness means the woman has more individual strands of hair and the length is proof of strength. It takes time, care and patience to grow a beautiful, full head of hair. Ideas about hair root women to nature, the way hair grows is compared to the way forests grow. The vegetation on earth is the "hair" on the head of Mother Nature in the same way the hair on the head of a woman is her "foliage." (Boone) A woman with long, thick hair illustrates a life force, she may be blessed with a green thumb giving her the ability to have a promising farm and many healthy children.
Hairstyles are very important in Mende society. A Mende woman's hair must be well groomed, clean, and oiled. Hair must be tied down under strict control and shaped into intricate, elegant styles for the sake of beauty and sex appeal. Dirty, disheveled hair is a sign of insanity. A woman who does not groom and maintain her hair has neglected the community's standards of behavior. Only a woman in mourning can let her hair loose. The Mende finds unarranged "wild" hair immoral and connects it to wild behavior.
No one knows why the black woman puts so much stock into their hair adding to the billion dollar a year industry. When the discussion turns to hair, their is laughter and a sense of sisterhood. And we all know how a woman feels about other women who "let their hair go." I find it curious that we always believed that the slave woman tying her head in a rag while she worked was just something she did to keep the sweat out of her eyes or to keep the scorching sun off of her scalp. Maybe it was something she had done in her home land of Africa.
***In an upcoming section I will go into more detail about how the American slave woman viewed her hair.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Pregnancy Pact
In my family, it is not unusual for the entire family to sit down and watch t.v. or a movie together and do what we call "heckling."
When we pick a movie or show to 'heckle' we go all out with sarcasm, jokes, and our full on opinion. We know by the title of the show if it is good 'heckling' material or not. When trailors for the t.v. show "The Pregnacy Pact" came on, our mouths watered with anticipation.
If you are not familiar with the show's premise, I'll explain. In a small town, several teenage girls made a pact to get pregnant. The press got wind of the pact after over 16 girls were pregnant in school within a year and swarmed the little town to get the scoop. The t.v. show was based on a true story which I remembered when CNN reported it.
I have always discussed sex with my children. When they learned how to walk, talk and recognize objects, knowing their body make-up and functions was just a part of their education. Year after year information was added as needed. Every question my children asked me was answered. They have always come to me as their first or most honest source for information, this included math, science, history, sex, and other inquiries they have had.
I disclosed to them that I may not have all the answers but I would help them find the answer, because if I did not know it and they were asking, I needed to learn the answer too. So together at times we learned alot.
They knew some questions they asked made me UNCOMFORTABLE, but regardless how I felt, if they wanted to know something, they had the right to ASK and expect an answer from me. This has worked for us. At times we watched shows that would lead to questions and discussions and that was fine. I've almost fainted at some questions, took a breath after the kid would laugh at me and delved in and discussed it and even explained why it made me uncomfortable. In this process my kids learned courage, integrety, and to know having questions are fine and if one person does not have the answer there are tons of resources to turn to. Ignorance is not a norm about anything.
Back to the show, girls purposefully getting pregnant. I hope parents know this happens for real. Two of my daughters have each had a friend wanting and trying to get pregnant by the time they were in 10th grade. Why? Because no one taught them to dream a dream for themselves. While they were growing up, no one said "What do you want to be or do when you grow up" and nurture them in their dream that probably would change before finishing high school.
Why have a baby? There was nothing occupying their time. I heard one waoman in front of a store talking to an older gentleman, "Her son would not have time to get into trouble if he had a job. People are too soft on their kids. If he worked he would stay out of trouble." My thought: a babysitter(job) will not keep him out of trouble. He will just have more money to get into trouble with. Parenting keeps kids out of trouble. If the boy was at home indoors spending quality time with his family, when would he get into trouble? When your teen is out of your home for hours, what do you think they are doing except terrorizing others? No, staying at home is not being under lock and key. My family does several activities together as well as separately and I never run into other families spending time with their children. If your child HATES spending time with you, there is a PROBLEM. And contrary to belief, it is not part of being a teenager to hate wanting to be with your parents. I could never understand that. There needs to be parenting classes teaching parents how to correctly give autonomy to children while teaching them they have a responsibility to be an asset to society their entire life. Experimentation while growing up should not go hand in hand with causing harm to others. The only kind of experimenting that is; is learning how to become a professional criminal.
Anyway, the show ended with the main woman who was against giving out birth control at school because it sends the message that it is fine for kids to have sex, own daughter becoming pregnant. The mother cries and tells the daughter "But, I talked to you about sex and to wait until you were married!" The daughter said, "But I was not as strong as you and dad and I did not want you to think I was a freak or nasty for having all of these feelings!" Mother said, "Dad and I didn't wait for marriage. We slipped from time to time."
People let your children know you are human when you ask superhuman things from them! I taught my girls to cook; telling them that I burned myself several times while I was learning and continue to burn myself from time to time. I did this so they would be more cautious and know that they did not necessarily did something wrong if they got burned, it happens from time to time, it comes with the territory.
Heres a story:
A young couple got married. They were both virgins when they married at age 25. After 2 months the husband went to a therapist, "My wife cries everytime we have sex. She won't even let me see her body. Her parents told her not to have sex over and over while she was growing up and that it was bad and only bad girls have sex, and now she feels dirty and that she's doing something bad. She said she can't go from saying 'no' for over 15 years to now saying 'yes'." The couple eventually divorced.
I tell my girls God intended for them to enjoy sex in a marriage to protect their body and heart from pain. It is the ideal expression of love and the biggest gift you can give anyone; your heart, mind, and body, BUT that's the ideal and many of us do not choose the ideal. The biggest POWER you have is the power of "yes" and "no" and if you do have sex it should be your choice, your decision and not in back allies and under bleachers like an animal. If you are old enough to make that decision you are old enough to respect and care for yourself and we discussed things on being a respectful woman that began from their early years. Sex was just another chapter in a book on how to be the best you can be.
I was able to tell my girls this because I don't think any parent jumps for joy when their daughter loses their virginity. If they are 40, I won't be throwing a party. So, I knew that this part of their life was something they were completely in charge of. I would give them the tools to make the best choice for themselves as I do in every other aspect of their lives like preparing them for college, which they actually have to attend and complete on their own.
Choices have consequences and we discuss good consequences and bad consequences. CHILDREN RESPOND WELL TO HONESTY. Sex is normal, it is good (physically) whether you are married or not. You can form intimate relationships that may not lead to pain (doubtful) without being married (not impossible). It's difficult to wait and adults in the same situation would struggle too. Many Christian children leave the church in their late teens and early twenties and return with a spouse and family later. Think sex experimentation has anything to do with this phenomenon? Many Christians are late in life Christians and did not enter their marriages as virgins.
Children do know you are human and they know you are hiding something and they begin to hide it too which some parents are thankful for. It amazes me how many kids get cars at 16 and are let loose out of the house. I know their parents know they are not spending enough of time with their kids in this crucial time of development. Who is teaching and influencing your child during these crucial years? Then the parents say "they fell in with the wrong bunch of kids." You ARE his first influential group. Where did you go? If there are 40 hours in a week, no person will have more of those 40 hours with my kids than me or then they ARE the biggest influence in my kids life.
I have 18 years and then they are on their way, Within that time I have to furnish them with what it takes to make it in this world. They will continue to grow and learn but I supplied the foundation. It is a challenging, serious, rewarding job, but it is my job and I would not hand it over to anyone else, not a church, pastor, teacher, neighbor, or friend. And if I have led you in the worng direction, I have made many mistakes, apologized for the error, and got back on the horse and continued on. Sometimes we must admit to ourselves and other "Boy, I messed that up. Thank goodness I know better, now so I can do better." I can TRUST someone like that.
Christians should understand that thei child belonged to God first, he knew them first, loved them first and entrusted you with their care until they return to Him. God gave each of us free will and we should respect, honor, and nurture that. Help them to have a loving relationship with God, you and others. God is all about relationships, man is all about laws and rules. Remember, people usually only obey laws when others are looking.
Teenage pregnancy is not a school problem or a problem of society it is home problem; several homes. Girls usually get pregnant by men, more so than boys of their own age. With homophobia running rampant among men, boys are encourage to demonstrate manliness as soon as possible which involve chasing the ladies. REDEFINE manhood and half the battle is gone. Give your daughters a DREAM (and prepared for motherhood is a dream) and another portion of the battle is conquered. Parents, STOP lying and avoiding your responsibility and now our children have a chance.
The Bible belt has the highest numbers in teenage pregnancy. Churches need to teach the beauty of sexual relationships and empower kids to say "Yes" to the ideal relationship instead of "No" to reality. The church does not express what there is to look forward to in a intimate loving relationship so the cheap quick thrill that secular society offers sounds appealing compared to a knowledge of nothing.
While watching the t.v. show I hope you know we did not 'heckle' the 15 year old kids but the 40 plus year old adults acting like babies denying what was before their eyes. Kids have a right to act like kids and expect grown people to behave as grown people. PARENTS grow up!
***Sorry if I seemed hard of parents. It's a hard job. But once we become parents, it is all about the kids. They are helpless and defenseless even though they don't always look like it. Brains not developed, yet minds and bodies racing. Someone has to help them navigate. 18 years of helping them to be able to live a lifetime on their own. Daunting isn't it? But a happy healthy adult who loves God whether you tell them to or not is worth the effort.
When we pick a movie or show to 'heckle' we go all out with sarcasm, jokes, and our full on opinion. We know by the title of the show if it is good 'heckling' material or not. When trailors for the t.v. show "The Pregnacy Pact" came on, our mouths watered with anticipation.
If you are not familiar with the show's premise, I'll explain. In a small town, several teenage girls made a pact to get pregnant. The press got wind of the pact after over 16 girls were pregnant in school within a year and swarmed the little town to get the scoop. The t.v. show was based on a true story which I remembered when CNN reported it.
I have always discussed sex with my children. When they learned how to walk, talk and recognize objects, knowing their body make-up and functions was just a part of their education. Year after year information was added as needed. Every question my children asked me was answered. They have always come to me as their first or most honest source for information, this included math, science, history, sex, and other inquiries they have had.
I disclosed to them that I may not have all the answers but I would help them find the answer, because if I did not know it and they were asking, I needed to learn the answer too. So together at times we learned alot.
They knew some questions they asked made me UNCOMFORTABLE, but regardless how I felt, if they wanted to know something, they had the right to ASK and expect an answer from me. This has worked for us. At times we watched shows that would lead to questions and discussions and that was fine. I've almost fainted at some questions, took a breath after the kid would laugh at me and delved in and discussed it and even explained why it made me uncomfortable. In this process my kids learned courage, integrety, and to know having questions are fine and if one person does not have the answer there are tons of resources to turn to. Ignorance is not a norm about anything.
Back to the show, girls purposefully getting pregnant. I hope parents know this happens for real. Two of my daughters have each had a friend wanting and trying to get pregnant by the time they were in 10th grade. Why? Because no one taught them to dream a dream for themselves. While they were growing up, no one said "What do you want to be or do when you grow up" and nurture them in their dream that probably would change before finishing high school.
Why have a baby? There was nothing occupying their time. I heard one waoman in front of a store talking to an older gentleman, "Her son would not have time to get into trouble if he had a job. People are too soft on their kids. If he worked he would stay out of trouble." My thought: a babysitter(job) will not keep him out of trouble. He will just have more money to get into trouble with. Parenting keeps kids out of trouble. If the boy was at home indoors spending quality time with his family, when would he get into trouble? When your teen is out of your home for hours, what do you think they are doing except terrorizing others? No, staying at home is not being under lock and key. My family does several activities together as well as separately and I never run into other families spending time with their children. If your child HATES spending time with you, there is a PROBLEM. And contrary to belief, it is not part of being a teenager to hate wanting to be with your parents. I could never understand that. There needs to be parenting classes teaching parents how to correctly give autonomy to children while teaching them they have a responsibility to be an asset to society their entire life. Experimentation while growing up should not go hand in hand with causing harm to others. The only kind of experimenting that is; is learning how to become a professional criminal.
Anyway, the show ended with the main woman who was against giving out birth control at school because it sends the message that it is fine for kids to have sex, own daughter becoming pregnant. The mother cries and tells the daughter "But, I talked to you about sex and to wait until you were married!" The daughter said, "But I was not as strong as you and dad and I did not want you to think I was a freak or nasty for having all of these feelings!" Mother said, "Dad and I didn't wait for marriage. We slipped from time to time."
People let your children know you are human when you ask superhuman things from them! I taught my girls to cook; telling them that I burned myself several times while I was learning and continue to burn myself from time to time. I did this so they would be more cautious and know that they did not necessarily did something wrong if they got burned, it happens from time to time, it comes with the territory.
Heres a story:
A young couple got married. They were both virgins when they married at age 25. After 2 months the husband went to a therapist, "My wife cries everytime we have sex. She won't even let me see her body. Her parents told her not to have sex over and over while she was growing up and that it was bad and only bad girls have sex, and now she feels dirty and that she's doing something bad. She said she can't go from saying 'no' for over 15 years to now saying 'yes'." The couple eventually divorced.
I tell my girls God intended for them to enjoy sex in a marriage to protect their body and heart from pain. It is the ideal expression of love and the biggest gift you can give anyone; your heart, mind, and body, BUT that's the ideal and many of us do not choose the ideal. The biggest POWER you have is the power of "yes" and "no" and if you do have sex it should be your choice, your decision and not in back allies and under bleachers like an animal. If you are old enough to make that decision you are old enough to respect and care for yourself and we discussed things on being a respectful woman that began from their early years. Sex was just another chapter in a book on how to be the best you can be.
I was able to tell my girls this because I don't think any parent jumps for joy when their daughter loses their virginity. If they are 40, I won't be throwing a party. So, I knew that this part of their life was something they were completely in charge of. I would give them the tools to make the best choice for themselves as I do in every other aspect of their lives like preparing them for college, which they actually have to attend and complete on their own.
Choices have consequences and we discuss good consequences and bad consequences. CHILDREN RESPOND WELL TO HONESTY. Sex is normal, it is good (physically) whether you are married or not. You can form intimate relationships that may not lead to pain (doubtful) without being married (not impossible). It's difficult to wait and adults in the same situation would struggle too. Many Christian children leave the church in their late teens and early twenties and return with a spouse and family later. Think sex experimentation has anything to do with this phenomenon? Many Christians are late in life Christians and did not enter their marriages as virgins.
Children do know you are human and they know you are hiding something and they begin to hide it too which some parents are thankful for. It amazes me how many kids get cars at 16 and are let loose out of the house. I know their parents know they are not spending enough of time with their kids in this crucial time of development. Who is teaching and influencing your child during these crucial years? Then the parents say "they fell in with the wrong bunch of kids." You ARE his first influential group. Where did you go? If there are 40 hours in a week, no person will have more of those 40 hours with my kids than me or then they ARE the biggest influence in my kids life.
I have 18 years and then they are on their way, Within that time I have to furnish them with what it takes to make it in this world. They will continue to grow and learn but I supplied the foundation. It is a challenging, serious, rewarding job, but it is my job and I would not hand it over to anyone else, not a church, pastor, teacher, neighbor, or friend. And if I have led you in the worng direction, I have made many mistakes, apologized for the error, and got back on the horse and continued on. Sometimes we must admit to ourselves and other "Boy, I messed that up. Thank goodness I know better, now so I can do better." I can TRUST someone like that.
Christians should understand that thei child belonged to God first, he knew them first, loved them first and entrusted you with their care until they return to Him. God gave each of us free will and we should respect, honor, and nurture that. Help them to have a loving relationship with God, you and others. God is all about relationships, man is all about laws and rules. Remember, people usually only obey laws when others are looking.
Teenage pregnancy is not a school problem or a problem of society it is home problem; several homes. Girls usually get pregnant by men, more so than boys of their own age. With homophobia running rampant among men, boys are encourage to demonstrate manliness as soon as possible which involve chasing the ladies. REDEFINE manhood and half the battle is gone. Give your daughters a DREAM (and prepared for motherhood is a dream) and another portion of the battle is conquered. Parents, STOP lying and avoiding your responsibility and now our children have a chance.
The Bible belt has the highest numbers in teenage pregnancy. Churches need to teach the beauty of sexual relationships and empower kids to say "Yes" to the ideal relationship instead of "No" to reality. The church does not express what there is to look forward to in a intimate loving relationship so the cheap quick thrill that secular society offers sounds appealing compared to a knowledge of nothing.
While watching the t.v. show I hope you know we did not 'heckle' the 15 year old kids but the 40 plus year old adults acting like babies denying what was before their eyes. Kids have a right to act like kids and expect grown people to behave as grown people. PARENTS grow up!
***Sorry if I seemed hard of parents. It's a hard job. But once we become parents, it is all about the kids. They are helpless and defenseless even though they don't always look like it. Brains not developed, yet minds and bodies racing. Someone has to help them navigate. 18 years of helping them to be able to live a lifetime on their own. Daunting isn't it? But a happy healthy adult who loves God whether you tell them to or not is worth the effort.
Monday, January 25, 2010
First Impressions are often Lasting Impressions
On any given day, do the clothes you choose to wear insight fear in others? If you knew for sure- the way you walked, the way you talked, or the way you wore your hair intimidated others- would you choose to make it a part of your lifestyle?
Throughout history, youths have taken seemingly innocent, mundane items and used them as symbols of rebellion, aggression, and outright intimidation, i.e. leather jackets, slicked back jelled hair, white T-shirts with a pack of smokes rolled up in one of the sleeves over a bicept. The guys wearing these styles were tough street kids ready to rumble with rival gangs or ready to drag race at a moments notice to settle a score back in the late 1950's and the best known rebel without a cause, James Dean.
Today we have another group marking their territory with a hairstyle, particular dress code and the desire to settle a score with anyone they believe has crossed them. History repeats itself with deadly accuracy and pinpoint precision. It is never enjoyed. Voices rise up against it. But the rebellious youth will always find something to rebel about and to have street fights about. There will always be a rebel without a cause.
Enjoy the article below on today's youth and the dreadlock hairstyle.
"Naughty Dreads: Some Inner-City Youngstas Get It Twisted"
Pacific News Service, Commentary, Charles Jones, Posted: Sep 25, 2003
Editor's Note: Once a hairstyle associated with consciousness and spirituality, dreadlocks have become the style of choice for youngsters more concerned with hustling than healing.
OAKLAND, Calif.--When I moved back to Oakland nearly three months ago, I was taken aback by a trend that had swept through the streets of "tha town" since I'd left in 2000: Dreadlocks.
No matter where you are in Oakland these days you'll see them. Long, short, natural, flowing locks. It should be a beautiful thing. It should be, but it's not. It's not even cute. Because under the visual beauty of so many black men being dreadlocked is the ugly reality that these are the same cats out sellin' dope, robbin', and driving up the body count in Oakland.
These young men who wear their locks with such pride and ignorance have no idea about the historical or spiritual significance of dreadlocks. No, to them it just makes them look "harder." Like gold teeth or puff coats, locks are now worn as an accessory to make you look more menacing.
Before I go on, let me put this out there for those who don't know: For centuries people have worn dreadlocks as symbols of a natural lifestyle, spiritual identity, or covenant with GOD (read: Samson and Delilah). Don't get it twisted, young Oakland: DREADLOCKS ARE NOT JUST SOME "HIP-HOP" HAIRSTYLE!
I realized it was a problem when, here at Youth Outlook magazine, we received an essay from a teenaged girl explaining how she saw dreadlocks as a warning sign. When she saw dreads on a black man's head, she said she knew that he had sold or used drugs, or was a gun-toting gangsta.
Now, when I first saw this I was pissed! Assuming the writer was white, my initial reaction was, "Stupid yuppie." But it turns out she was a young black girl from Oakland.
I felt sick.
How could any black person not know that dreads have historically been a part of our peoples' connection with the divine? How could anyone black equate dreadlocks with drug-selling, gun-toting thugs? Walking home from the subway, though, I saw the example she was working with. I was forced to swallow my delusions about dreadlocks.
Revolutionaries like the Kenyan liberation fighters, the Mau Mau, wore dreads. Conscious, intelligent rappers wore dreads. Bob Marley, the crown prince of reggae music and a devout Rasta, wore dreads. In the Bay -- back in the day -- brothers with dreads were considered corny by the ghetto. Not anymore. Youngstas sport the style, but they're ignorant of the history and culture associated with it.
The other day, as I was walking to my North Oakland home from the local store, a young man with dreadlocks asked me for a cigarette. While rummaging through my shirt pockets I noticed him staring at my shirt, which sports a bold print in the image of his imperial majesty, Hallie Selassie (a former Ethiopian king who is recognized in the Rastafari religion, the folks that popularized the dread look, as the second coming of Christ), so I asked him if he knew who it was.
"Is it Jesus?" he offered.
I handed him his cancer and retired to my home in silence. I woke up the next morning thinking, "Jesus?!"
Look, here's a list of books and other dreadlock-related Web sites for any youth who got locks and don't know what they mean. While some of these resources focus strictly on the grooming and maintenance of dreadlocks, others delve deeper into their spiritual and social meanings.
Web sites:
-- www.rasta-man.co.uk/religion.htm
-- www.howtodread.com
-- dreadlocks.hypermart.net
Books:
-- "Dreads," by Francesco Mastalia and Alfonse Pagano
--- "The Rastafarians: The Dreadlocks of Jamaica," by Leonard Barrett
--"Dreadlock," by Lew Anthony
-- "Hairlocking: Everything You Need to Know About Hairlocking, Dread, African and Nubian Locks," by Nekhena Evans
Read up, but be warned: Studying the historical significance and spiritual properties of dreadlocks may change your life. It should change your life. If not, at the very least it should change your choice of hairstyle.
PNS contributor Charles Jones is a senior writer for YO! Youth Outlook (www.youthoutlook.org), a magazine by and for San Francisco Bay Area youth, and a PNS project.
I have contacted Mr. Jones in hopes of interviewing him. I wanted to give him and opportunity to reflect upon what he noticed in 2003, the time of his initial article, and now in 2010 when the number of dreadlock wearers have increased exponentially.
Being a dread wearer myself, I did not like the young men associating a hairstyle with any type of deviant behavior. I feel absolutely protective of dreadlocks and do not want anyone paraded in front of a camera on television, head dropped down, dreads swinging freely, in handcuffs being carted off to jail for robbery or being caught selling drugs. I did not feel this way about cornrows when I wore them nor my permed hair and I do not know why I feel this way about dreadlocks, but I do. I value the article by Mr. Jones and hope I will have the opportunity of incorporating it in my project.
Throughout history, youths have taken seemingly innocent, mundane items and used them as symbols of rebellion, aggression, and outright intimidation, i.e. leather jackets, slicked back jelled hair, white T-shirts with a pack of smokes rolled up in one of the sleeves over a bicept. The guys wearing these styles were tough street kids ready to rumble with rival gangs or ready to drag race at a moments notice to settle a score back in the late 1950's and the best known rebel without a cause, James Dean.
Today we have another group marking their territory with a hairstyle, particular dress code and the desire to settle a score with anyone they believe has crossed them. History repeats itself with deadly accuracy and pinpoint precision. It is never enjoyed. Voices rise up against it. But the rebellious youth will always find something to rebel about and to have street fights about. There will always be a rebel without a cause.
Enjoy the article below on today's youth and the dreadlock hairstyle.
"Naughty Dreads: Some Inner-City Youngstas Get It Twisted"
Pacific News Service, Commentary, Charles Jones, Posted: Sep 25, 2003
Editor's Note: Once a hairstyle associated with consciousness and spirituality, dreadlocks have become the style of choice for youngsters more concerned with hustling than healing.
OAKLAND, Calif.--When I moved back to Oakland nearly three months ago, I was taken aback by a trend that had swept through the streets of "tha town" since I'd left in 2000: Dreadlocks.
No matter where you are in Oakland these days you'll see them. Long, short, natural, flowing locks. It should be a beautiful thing. It should be, but it's not. It's not even cute. Because under the visual beauty of so many black men being dreadlocked is the ugly reality that these are the same cats out sellin' dope, robbin', and driving up the body count in Oakland.
These young men who wear their locks with such pride and ignorance have no idea about the historical or spiritual significance of dreadlocks. No, to them it just makes them look "harder." Like gold teeth or puff coats, locks are now worn as an accessory to make you look more menacing.
Before I go on, let me put this out there for those who don't know: For centuries people have worn dreadlocks as symbols of a natural lifestyle, spiritual identity, or covenant with GOD (read: Samson and Delilah). Don't get it twisted, young Oakland: DREADLOCKS ARE NOT JUST SOME "HIP-HOP" HAIRSTYLE!
I realized it was a problem when, here at Youth Outlook magazine, we received an essay from a teenaged girl explaining how she saw dreadlocks as a warning sign. When she saw dreads on a black man's head, she said she knew that he had sold or used drugs, or was a gun-toting gangsta.
Now, when I first saw this I was pissed! Assuming the writer was white, my initial reaction was, "Stupid yuppie." But it turns out she was a young black girl from Oakland.
I felt sick.
How could any black person not know that dreads have historically been a part of our peoples' connection with the divine? How could anyone black equate dreadlocks with drug-selling, gun-toting thugs? Walking home from the subway, though, I saw the example she was working with. I was forced to swallow my delusions about dreadlocks.
Revolutionaries like the Kenyan liberation fighters, the Mau Mau, wore dreads. Conscious, intelligent rappers wore dreads. Bob Marley, the crown prince of reggae music and a devout Rasta, wore dreads. In the Bay -- back in the day -- brothers with dreads were considered corny by the ghetto. Not anymore. Youngstas sport the style, but they're ignorant of the history and culture associated with it.
The other day, as I was walking to my North Oakland home from the local store, a young man with dreadlocks asked me for a cigarette. While rummaging through my shirt pockets I noticed him staring at my shirt, which sports a bold print in the image of his imperial majesty, Hallie Selassie (a former Ethiopian king who is recognized in the Rastafari religion, the folks that popularized the dread look, as the second coming of Christ), so I asked him if he knew who it was.
"Is it Jesus?" he offered.
I handed him his cancer and retired to my home in silence. I woke up the next morning thinking, "Jesus?!"
Look, here's a list of books and other dreadlock-related Web sites for any youth who got locks and don't know what they mean. While some of these resources focus strictly on the grooming and maintenance of dreadlocks, others delve deeper into their spiritual and social meanings.
Web sites:
-- www.rasta-man.co.uk/religion.htm
-- www.howtodread.com
-- dreadlocks.hypermart.net
Books:
-- "Dreads," by Francesco Mastalia and Alfonse Pagano
--- "The Rastafarians: The Dreadlocks of Jamaica," by Leonard Barrett
--"Dreadlock," by Lew Anthony
-- "Hairlocking: Everything You Need to Know About Hairlocking, Dread, African and Nubian Locks," by Nekhena Evans
Read up, but be warned: Studying the historical significance and spiritual properties of dreadlocks may change your life. It should change your life. If not, at the very least it should change your choice of hairstyle.
PNS contributor Charles Jones is a senior writer for YO! Youth Outlook (www.youthoutlook.org), a magazine by and for San Francisco Bay Area youth, and a PNS project.
I have contacted Mr. Jones in hopes of interviewing him. I wanted to give him and opportunity to reflect upon what he noticed in 2003, the time of his initial article, and now in 2010 when the number of dreadlock wearers have increased exponentially.
Being a dread wearer myself, I did not like the young men associating a hairstyle with any type of deviant behavior. I feel absolutely protective of dreadlocks and do not want anyone paraded in front of a camera on television, head dropped down, dreads swinging freely, in handcuffs being carted off to jail for robbery or being caught selling drugs. I did not feel this way about cornrows when I wore them nor my permed hair and I do not know why I feel this way about dreadlocks, but I do. I value the article by Mr. Jones and hope I will have the opportunity of incorporating it in my project.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Stephen Walrond Interview Part 2
Image: Lenny Kravitz
1.When and why did you decide to wear dreadlocks?
I really didn't enjoy the experience of going to the barbers, they often left me with razor burn and because they spoke in thick Jamaican accents or sometimes in patois, I often couldn't understand them. I lived outside of London (England's capital) in a small town called Stevenage, which at the time didn't have any barbers who could cut afro-Caribbean hair competently, so there was the added factor of expense and time when I wanted to go to the barbers.
These factors coupled with the fact that my friend had dreads and could dread my hair for free lead me to decide to wear dreadlocks.
I have carried on wearing them because I like the way they look on me and I like that they are easy to maintain.
2.What was the initial response to your hair style from friends, family, and peers?
They liked it. As I have stated I wasn't the first friend to have Dreads, and I was not the first person in my family to have dreads either. The most adverse attention about my dreads I get is from people I do not know well.
3.What do you like or dislike about your hair?
I like the way it looks, my dreads are quite thin, not perfectly thin but quite thin. When they hang down they look very good and the look great pulled back too. I can tie my hair behind my head with my hair, which is convenient.
I don't like the fact that they are so hard to dry. In the summer time I can wash my hair far more often than in the winter because I know they will dry that much quicker. They also make my head massive, to the point where I have had trouble fitting into crash helmets on occasions I've needed to use them.
4.Have you noticed a boost in confidence or any other personality changes?
I have had my dreads since I was 18; I don't think that as an 18 year old your personality or confidence is fully developed anyway. I'm now 28 and feel more confident than my 18 year old self in some respects and not so much in others, but this isn't due to my hair, it's just life.
5.What is the response to your hair now?
Now that I live in London people really don't talk about my hair, nor do they ask me about it that often. I find that the people who do want to talk about my hair are foreigners who have never had contact with people with dreadlocks before, they are often surprised that it is all my real hair and want to know how I maintain it.
There is still the common misconception that it is impossible to wash dreadlocks, that they turn back into an afro if they become wet and that the process is easy to reverse. These misconceptions are easy to correct and are not often presented as insults but as genuine questions.
6.What country are you from?
I'm was born in and now reside in The United Kingdom, England. I previously lived in Japan for two years in a small city called Saito in Miyazaki Prefecture on the island of Kyushu.
1.When and why did you decide to wear dreadlocks?
I really didn't enjoy the experience of going to the barbers, they often left me with razor burn and because they spoke in thick Jamaican accents or sometimes in patois, I often couldn't understand them. I lived outside of London (England's capital) in a small town called Stevenage, which at the time didn't have any barbers who could cut afro-Caribbean hair competently, so there was the added factor of expense and time when I wanted to go to the barbers.
These factors coupled with the fact that my friend had dreads and could dread my hair for free lead me to decide to wear dreadlocks.
I have carried on wearing them because I like the way they look on me and I like that they are easy to maintain.
2.What was the initial response to your hair style from friends, family, and peers?
They liked it. As I have stated I wasn't the first friend to have Dreads, and I was not the first person in my family to have dreads either. The most adverse attention about my dreads I get is from people I do not know well.
3.What do you like or dislike about your hair?
I like the way it looks, my dreads are quite thin, not perfectly thin but quite thin. When they hang down they look very good and the look great pulled back too. I can tie my hair behind my head with my hair, which is convenient.
I don't like the fact that they are so hard to dry. In the summer time I can wash my hair far more often than in the winter because I know they will dry that much quicker. They also make my head massive, to the point where I have had trouble fitting into crash helmets on occasions I've needed to use them.
4.Have you noticed a boost in confidence or any other personality changes?
I have had my dreads since I was 18; I don't think that as an 18 year old your personality or confidence is fully developed anyway. I'm now 28 and feel more confident than my 18 year old self in some respects and not so much in others, but this isn't due to my hair, it's just life.
5.What is the response to your hair now?
Now that I live in London people really don't talk about my hair, nor do they ask me about it that often. I find that the people who do want to talk about my hair are foreigners who have never had contact with people with dreadlocks before, they are often surprised that it is all my real hair and want to know how I maintain it.
There is still the common misconception that it is impossible to wash dreadlocks, that they turn back into an afro if they become wet and that the process is easy to reverse. These misconceptions are easy to correct and are not often presented as insults but as genuine questions.
6.What country are you from?
I'm was born in and now reside in The United Kingdom, England. I previously lived in Japan for two years in a small city called Saito in Miyazaki Prefecture on the island of Kyushu.
Stephen Walrond Dread Lock Interview Part 1
I ran across this great blog and wanted to share it with you. The author of the post was gracious enough to allow me to include it in my project and also gave me an interview about his decision to wear dreads and his experience as a dread wearer. His interview will be posted as a Part 2 to this section. Enjoy his dreadlock rant.
Just the other day at a bus stop outside my school and right by a hair dressers I was attacked by an excitable young hair dresser who thought that my leaning away from her and saying "No" was a playful game of 'tag' or 'piggy in the middle'. I actually shrunk away from her because I don't like strange people simply inviting themselves into my hair.
I don't know if this T-shirt is actually needed in English, I've never had an English speaking person just reach up and grab my locks without invitation, in fact most people don't even ask for it. However Japanese people will grab at it before even asking my name, sometimes they simply grab it and then don't even speak to me afterwards.
And that's not even starting on the stupid questions I get asked about them, most of which are plain offensive. Actually Japanese people aren't the only culprit here:
I feel like naming names, so I will; Shiv, a former JET and an otherwise OK guy, likes to make "it's because you're black..." jokes, and "is this a black thing..." jokes, in a very 'I can joke about it because I'm liberal and we're both of colour so we're brothers' sort of way. This is tolerable, it's not as amusing as Shiv thinks it is and betrays how very un-liberal he is more than anything. Well, the other day he casually joked about me not washing my hair for 3 years in front of Alex and Patrick, to which my response was "who wouldn't wash their hair for three years? That would be gross"... the question was met with awkward, knowing silence and the subject was changed.
Now let me ask a question, it's a simple one and I think you may be able to answer it: When my hair gets dirty what else would I do but wash it?
I've told people that I wash my hair with sand before now and they've wholeheartedly believed me... honestly, how ignorant/stupid can you be to believe that hair can be washed with sand!? And where would one get sand in the Midlands, so named because it's no where near the coast.
People see dreadlocks and they lose their heads, Japanese people suddenly think it's OK to treat people without consideration and the rest of the world suddenly believe that sand is a solvent and a detergent.
If we're still not on the same page then let me break it down for you.
YES- I was my hair.
WITH water and shampoo.
NO- My dreads don't suddenly become an afro if I wash them
BECAUSE- They're not held together by dirt
I would like to give people the benefit of doubt, and think that they could come to these conclusions by themselves, it's not cool to just grab at strangers and the only way to keep something clean is to clean it, but apparently it's that much easier to look down your nose at someone, make assumptions (probably based upon prejudices from less enlightened times), snigger, laugh and mock.
Category: dreadlocks, hair, Rant
Posted by Stephen Walrond
at Saturday, May 17, 2008
Just the other day at a bus stop outside my school and right by a hair dressers I was attacked by an excitable young hair dresser who thought that my leaning away from her and saying "No" was a playful game of 'tag' or 'piggy in the middle'. I actually shrunk away from her because I don't like strange people simply inviting themselves into my hair.
I don't know if this T-shirt is actually needed in English, I've never had an English speaking person just reach up and grab my locks without invitation, in fact most people don't even ask for it. However Japanese people will grab at it before even asking my name, sometimes they simply grab it and then don't even speak to me afterwards.
And that's not even starting on the stupid questions I get asked about them, most of which are plain offensive. Actually Japanese people aren't the only culprit here:
I feel like naming names, so I will; Shiv, a former JET and an otherwise OK guy, likes to make "it's because you're black..." jokes, and "is this a black thing..." jokes, in a very 'I can joke about it because I'm liberal and we're both of colour so we're brothers' sort of way. This is tolerable, it's not as amusing as Shiv thinks it is and betrays how very un-liberal he is more than anything. Well, the other day he casually joked about me not washing my hair for 3 years in front of Alex and Patrick, to which my response was "who wouldn't wash their hair for three years? That would be gross"... the question was met with awkward, knowing silence and the subject was changed.
Now let me ask a question, it's a simple one and I think you may be able to answer it: When my hair gets dirty what else would I do but wash it?
I've told people that I wash my hair with sand before now and they've wholeheartedly believed me... honestly, how ignorant/stupid can you be to believe that hair can be washed with sand!? And where would one get sand in the Midlands, so named because it's no where near the coast.
People see dreadlocks and they lose their heads, Japanese people suddenly think it's OK to treat people without consideration and the rest of the world suddenly believe that sand is a solvent and a detergent.
If we're still not on the same page then let me break it down for you.
YES- I was my hair.
WITH water and shampoo.
NO- My dreads don't suddenly become an afro if I wash them
BECAUSE- They're not held together by dirt
I would like to give people the benefit of doubt, and think that they could come to these conclusions by themselves, it's not cool to just grab at strangers and the only way to keep something clean is to clean it, but apparently it's that much easier to look down your nose at someone, make assumptions (probably based upon prejudices from less enlightened times), snigger, laugh and mock.
Category: dreadlocks, hair, Rant
Posted by Stephen Walrond
at Saturday, May 17, 2008
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